Friday, January 24, 2014

SHIT HITS FAN: County Commissioner Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez Indictments


District Attorney Luis Saenz is proving that Brownsville and Cameron County don't need the feds to bring criminal public officials and their underlings to justice. If left to local authorities in the past, Sheriff Conrado "El Colombiano" Cantu might still be escorting Zetas and their drug loads north, Judge Abel Limas might be accepting a long weekend in Las Vegas in exchange for changing a felony to a misdemeanor and "Jivin'" might still be screwing his wife instead of a Latin lover in his cell.

From the moment he has entered office, Saenz has declared war on the eight-ballers who find themselves staggering against the ropes after an eight-count. While crazed blogger Bobby "Loco" Wightman-Cervantes batters the DA at every opportunity because he suffers from a series case of penis envy.

"Saenz has ascended the apex of calling and he's returned professionalism and accountability to his office," said Justo Leyes, Brownsville Blues legal expert. "Wightman-Cervantes sounds like a downtown drunk ranting and raving who dreamed of arguing before the Supreme Court before Texas disbarred the unstable barrister for sabotaging the judicial system based on a paranoid vendetta."

The DA office indicted County Commissioner Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez Wednesday afternoon. According to the Brownsville Herald, the crooked politician will face eight counts while the border's number one blogger, Juan "El Ruckmaker" Montoya, insisted on his El Rrun Rrun that Hernandez must defend himself against 14 charges.

"You reap what you sow," said Father Jesus P. Cadissimo, the unofficial pastor of Cameron Park who has seen Ernie, his wife Norma "The Hag" Hernandez and daugher "Easy" Erin Hernandez perverting the electoral process through their exploitation of the ignorant and the impoverished. "My compadre Maclovio O'Malley presented a different take on the Hernandez fiasco: 'You rape and then you're sodomized."

Saenz has declared war on the Whoring Hernandezes and Killing Cadriels who have endeavored to defy the laws of karma by expectorating, urinating, ejaculating, defecating and menstruating on the graves of American soldiers. They have literally broken almost every commandment: They lie, they steal, they covet and they murder.

"Both County Commissioner Hernandez and Justice of the Peace Hernandez are running for reelection after stealing their victories in the previous rounds," continued Leyes. "They utilized the politiqueras to buy votes in order to silence the voices of the citizenry.

"Discontent with their salaries, the patriarch Hernandez has been cutting shady deals right and left, but you can't teach a prostitute new tricks. His daughter has turned her office into a whorehouse. Wightman-Cervantes, in spite of is best efforts to promote the Hernandezes with positive propaganda, concedes that an indictment of the justice of the peace is imminent.

"His best strategy in defense of the Hernandezes and the Cadriels is that every politico and pubic official is as corrupt as this clan in order to portray these scalawags as th lesser of two evils in their respective races. That dog ain't hunting."

The Hernandezes and Cadriels' transgressions are too long to even list on the infinite space on the internet. Suffice to say, the IRS is nailing the egregious Ernie and the notorious for a million in back taxes. Every politician avoids photo ops with them. Norma has become delirious thinking that it is menopause precipitating this nightmarish scenario. Filled with rage, Erin his destroyed her own husband in an desperate attempt to find a scapegoat.

"Saenz deserves the public's gratitude for extirpating the Hernandez cancer," offered Leyes. "The Hernandezes and Cadriels will whine and weep that they are victims, but it's the good citizens of South Texas who have been the victims of these con artists that will soon be designated the criminals that they are."

Aroldo Cadriel, the family's official assassin, offered the best insight into these delusional ingrates when he was found guilty after putting five bullets into a young girl and dumping her dead body by the side of the road: "I'm the target of a  conspirary," he pleaded with in a soulless peoration of a demented man who has no mother.

There is a pattern to this defense. Her supporters insist that Erin isn't the culprit. Unlike Cadriel who has no mother, Erin Hernandez has neither a father nor a mother.

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